Spanking The Monkey
By Kerri Cromwell
In today’s society, women are still reluctant to admit that they masturbate. Sure, there are a select few ‘good girls’ out there that haven’t tried it, but for the most part we’ve all diddled the fiddle at one time or another. And why not? As they say, masturbation puts us more in tune with out own bodies, training us for quicker and more intense orgasms during intercourse.
For men, masturbation seems to occur as frequently as shaving. It’s just something you all do and that you all accept as an integral part of your male existence. Not only is masturbation accepted, it offers both familiar and unfamiliar benefits to both the body and the psyche. For example:
1. masturbation can increase fertility by releasing older, slower and weaker sperm, making way for the production of sperm that is fresh, strong and fast
2. masturbation can reduce stress levels
3. masturbation can serve to release sexual tension
4. masturbation can help you fall asleep when you are having trouble
5. masturbation stimulates the immune system, building up your resistance to infections like the common cold
6. masturbation can induce the release of mood-elevating hormones that help ward off depression
7. masturbation will reduce or eliminate the number of unwanted wet dream
With all of the positive reasons to masturbate, it was only a matter of time until someone decided to mark the calendar with it. Yes, May has been designated as “Masturbation Month” by an unknown group of masturbation advocates. As bizarre as this may seem, Masturbation month just brings forth a whole new reason to come up with creative ways to celebrate! Yes, I know I am a woman, what do I know about male masturbation? How can I advise you on how to celebrate? Well, I’ve dated men, and some of those men have even been lucky enough to have had me pleasure them. The bottom line is that I know what men like. So with a little experience and a few questions to some close male friends, I’ve found some interesting and bizarre ways that you initiate a ‘menage a moi’. Here are some crazy, creative and sometimes shocking ways that men have tamed their one-eyed trouser snake:
Tennis Anyone? – Suggested by Marc
Buy a plastic canister of three tennis balls. CAUTION: Don’t buy the metal can, it can contain sharp metal edges! Take the tennis balls out of the container and stash them in the attic with the rest of your unused tennis equipment. Then purchase two large sponges from the kitchen section of your local department store. Stuff the two sponges into the tennis ball container so that they form a tight flat opening in the center of the can. Apply a liberal amount of water-based lubrication into your newly created ‘spongina’. Then watch a women’s tennis tournament on the sports channel while you serve up an ace!
Blowing Bubbles – Suggested by Joel
Try this technique when you receive a package that contains a fair amount of bubble wrap. Loosely roll up an 8” to 10” by 16” section of the bubble wrap, make sure the bubbles on the inside of the roll. Your roll should be eight inches long with enough room inside for your swollen member. Then take about 8 to 10 rubber bands and place them around your roll, in a row from end to end. Make sure the rubber bands are tight but not so tight that the bubble wrap is impossible to penetrate. Then lube the inside of the bubble wrap and you penis with baby oil. Penetrate your bubbly friend and enjoy! Notice how good each ring of rubber bands feels as you stroke them past the head of your penis. Amazing!
The Cantaloupe Elope – Suggested by Salvador
Don’t ask me why I tried this the first time, but it works! Run to the produce section of your local supermarket and purchase a large cantaloupe melon. With a power drill, create a hole that is roughly the same diameter as your penis (sizes will vary). Remember, this hole should enter the melon but not pass through. A good idea is to mark the drill bit about 3/4” short of the diameter of the cantaloupe so you don’t have an accident. When all of your handy work is done and you are feeling randy, put the melon in the microwave for a few seconds until it gets warm. CAUTION: warm the melon AFTER you drill the hole or it will explode. Also, do not overheat the melon or it may cause serious burns. Test the temperature with your fingers before you proceed. And remember, your genitals are far more sensitive to heat than your hands, so gauge accordingly! When all is ready, insert your erect penis and enjoy. The inside of the melon should be warm soft and pliable. Use your hands to increase the pressure of the melon at any point on your shaft. You’ll find the intense sensations you experience are not unlike those of a real vagina.
The Baggie Shaggie - Suggested by Alex
The next time you’re at the supermarket buy some large freezer bags (the cheap ones will do fine). When you get home and feel the need, grab a medium sized towel from your linen closet and wet it warm water. Alternatively, throw the towel in the dryer for 5 to 10 minutes to heat it up. Then next thing you should do is apply some of your favorite lube to your penis as well as to the inside of the freezer bag. Insert your erect penis into the bag and wrap the warm towel around it as tight as you can. If you haven’t already lost it, stroke away while you apply different levels of pressure to the tightly wound towel. It’s cheap, it’s something different, and it feels great. Try it!
At this point you’re either entertained, intrigued or afraid. In any case, you’re thinking different about masturbation and how creativity can mean something more than choosing either the right hand or the left, lotion or oil. Also, you need not spend a lot of money at a sex store to get the pleasure you need. Male masturbation devices from sex shops can easily take over $100.00 out of your wallet, no to mention the embarrassment when purchasing them. So go purchase a few items that you think you can combine into your ultimate masturbation machine. You’ll save money and no one will suspect what you’re up to when you check out with that cartload of fresh cantaloupe! And remember; however you choose to celebrate Masturbation Month, do it safely - with creativity pleasure and pride!